waking up to find it wasnt a dream was the hardest thing

Well....Im officially 22! And I don't feel any different. Who wants to go and get some drinks?!?

Its actually quite annoying when people dont equate your hard work exactly as that. Im so tired of people placing me in this stereotypical box just because my parents are gracious enough to support me and help me out. I suppose that theres someone else out there who knows EXACTLY how I feel..i.e. Jack! Im not sorry that my parents put me through school nor am i sorry that they pay for my rent, my books, my car insurance and i am not sorry that they gave me a car! I am THANKFUL that I have parents who do those kind of things for me. But I also have to add into the equation that I am graduating in December and none other then me, myself and I got me to that point. I am the one that gets up and goes to school; I am the one that drags my ass to work everyday and works more then what I am getting paid; I am the one that stays up late at night to finish all of the fucking papers and school work. Yes, I admit that my parents help has gotten me to where I am, but it has only helped.....not made it a fact! I work hard for the things that I have....

(Sorry for that little rant...but seriously...what does it take to get a little acknowledgment from people? Thats all Im asking for!)

I have never in my life felt so....violated in my entire life. Well, I can think of one time that tops this, but that was so long ago. I was leaving to go to work at around 11:30 this morning, in a great mood, and I walk to the top of the stairs to look down at my car with the trunk open. My heart sank....and I knew at that moment what had happened. My amp, sub, and head unit are gone. The inside of my car is trashed with the whole fucking dash torn off. The fucked up part of it all is that I had both of my spare keys on my key chain, but the theives had a key and got in that way. They left it in the trunk.
I just dont get it. Why do people do that? I work so hard for the things that I have. I know that its just stuff and can be replaced, but it was MINE. I bought it with my own money....you know. God, I'm so pissed and so hurt because it seems like I just can't get any sort of break recently. I mean, I have no social life because of summer school.....my boyfriend makes no time for me anymore....my car gets broken into....my grandmother just recently passed....and I could go on and on.....but I guess I wont display my pity party here and just have it on my own time.

....I just dont understand people.....and the way they hurt others....even when its someone they know....

Its late....but isnt it always? Whether one is talking about the time in particular or as in being too late for something they wish they would have devoted more time to. I have come to understand a little better these past couple of weeks what it means to love someone and how devastating loosing them can be. She sleeps alone now. And Im tired but that seems to be the norm these days. We keeping making these excusses that we are busy but what does that really mean? Maybe its that we just dont want to make the effort for eachother and that would be sad if it happened to be the truth. I need some motivation...and my upcoming birthday is not helping anything. Just another year.
Maybe I should try optimism.

It is amazing to me that after a certain point in the night the time seems to vanish from below me. It is way to late...or early to be up but here I am studying for a test that I have in about 8 hours. Thoughts kept invading my readings on evolutionary psychology though, so I felt obliged to come here and express myself.
I hate it when you are like this. I feel like a ghost once again in my own home, which seems so distant to me now. I realized that night when you left why I initiated so many trite arguments with you. I found the answer when you returned and pulled up a chair next to me. You looked into my eyes, gripped my hands and told me that you needed me; that your life would not be anything at all without me in it. I find that it is only in these moments that you really express these feelings for me and as much as you need sex....I need those words. The soothing and comforting words of acceptance and approval. You have fallen back into that daze as you sit there behind that screen for hours.
And I cant help but feel detached from her, Mert. She visited only a couple weeks ago and as we sat outside smoking our cancer sticks I saw a transgression in her. She looked to me as she did in high school and I cant help but resent her for it. Too afraid to go anywhere in public with her for fear of her bitchiness to random strangers only trying to make simple conversation. She moves on in her life..now out in california...and at the same time stays the same in her ideologies and philosophies. She sat her, on this patio, and told me all the things she saw in me. The changes. My recent need for attention and the constant surge of emotions that had been taken to personal. I agreed with her in the moment because she has always been the one to understand me most, but looking back on it I was wrong to agree. I needed attention from her because in Savannah I received none. I know the fashion show consumed her every waking breath, but I seemed to be a ghost even in a city so far from here. I am weak right now and take comments personally because I am tired and most of the time I have no definitive line between reality and non.
I feel preserved in this place.

Went shopping today for a new swimsuit for my weekend of fun and stopped by Express to get some new jeans. I have recently been not able to wear my pants because they were too big so I wanted to get some new ones and guess what size I bought! SIZE 2!!!!!! I have been wanting to loose some weight so hopefully this will mark a new trend of skinny for me! HAHA

Im so tired of school. So worn out and feeling trapped inside my own home. If I can just make it until December then hopefully things will be different. I IMed an old friend today asking if he would run away with me. I havent heard anything yet and I dont even know if you could call him an old friend. Hes more like one of those people that shows up from time to time in your life and you cant help but smile. Know what I mean? The reason i say hes not really a friend is because he never was really a friend....I mean I love him to death but he always seemed to keep himself from me. It was always like that. We saw eachother not too long ago for the first time in over a year and I remembered what I missed so much about him as soon as he walked through the door to say hello. Anyway, thats all I will let myself say. Merts coming into town Friday! Schliterbaun here we come! Hopefully we wont witness some guy jacking off, in his car, on the way home this time! HAHA! And my parents are coming into town on Sunday, which will be so nice. My mom has this way about her that seemes to soothe me everytime I get around her. That is all I have for now. Im hoping my phone will ring tonight and I will be rescued from this prison.....

I must move with swift hands, for the sun is almost set and then I shall be surrounded by darkness. This place is so surreal too me. All the noise and clutter of the city has jaded my love of this place. I needed some space. Some time to listen to the crikets chirp along with my conscience. I dont know what it is that threatens me this way. I feel tense and alone. And I cant help but feel that if I was homless this is where I would live. Alone and by myself. And the darkness invades me making my eyes stress to see the written word. And you sat there beside me and told me that people should deal with their problems. I guess this is me dealing with them. My resort to drugs has faded away and Im left here with this computer screen and the trees nudging themselves up against my window. I cant help but feel sorry for you and all that you must go through. With me. But at the same time so hurt that you have to "deal" with me. I hope this to shall pass. I free my thoughts have become too strong and violate every part of me that use to be me. I have been raped....by my own self. I guess now the only thing to do is pick up the pieces and move on. Just another story from some random girl. Nothing more and nothing less.
.....its amazing how water carries voices.

...sorry about that last minute IM. We are all stupid sometimes and I suppose that was one time for me in particular. The wine I suppose was a little too much.
....and sometimes I wish I had never met you......good luck....with everything

you make it so hard for someone to touch you....to even have a chance....

Who is this mystery person who keeps sending me relpies without a name?

......is it normal for a man in a relationship to still look at porn?

I cant believe the weekend is actually here and I feel so releaved. I've done a lot of thinking this week. Mostly about stupid things concerning me overwhelming paranoia, but I've also done some thinking concerning people I know. I cant help but recognize the fact that many of them are lonely. The only problem is that that distance makes it a problem for me to make them happy. So heres my attempt at something small:

Derek - I'm going to attempt to make you at least smile. Just once. I know your lonely. I can feel it all the way over here in Texas. I cant help but think that someone will come along who will take your mind off of being so alone. You know Im here and I could sit here and tell you all the time to call if your ever lonely, but I know its hard. I know its hard talking to someone whos not really in your life and probably never will be. I know its hard to try to talk to someone who has no idea whats happening in your life. Just know, that you are there. You know exaclty where. That little place that I keep away from others. And I treasure that place. Dont ever forget that.

Jaysin - I know that your lonlines sis overwhelming if I hear it in your voice every time we talk. I cant help but think how things would and could be different for you if you lived back in Austin. I know you would be happier here. And I know that talking too me is hard sometime, and Im sorry for my rude remarks too you, but you do have to understand my position. I care for you very much, you know this! But I think your lonliness only lingers because you search for something that you want soooo bad that you over look what is right in front of you.

Jack - My dearest Jack, hasnt presented too me that he is lonely but I know he misses me....haha....so that is why I put him in this! I love you Jack and your queer websites!

All of this yapping has gotten my fingers tired. Other then all of that, Im pretty useless these days. I feel over worked and under paid. No wait, Im not underpaid. Anyway, school is long and I feel too tired to even carry on a decent conversation lately. Someone very special too me told me a couple of things the other day. That Im negative all the time, that I bitch about stupid stuff all of time, etc. So I'm trying to be better. We shall see were the day takes us.

I feel as if I havent been here in awhile to visit everyone....that I dont know..haha. Anyway, the strangest thing happened too me. I recieved some responses to a couple of posts, but I dont know who they are from. Very sweet, by the way, but Im lost for words when it comes to a name. Other then that a lot has been going on recently. I started summer school and am working away. I also got a upcoming photo project that I need to start working on, so once again if there are any people out there that would care to pose for me I would love them forever. Besides all of those trifles....I feel really too drained to feel anything emotional at this point. Ive read some friends live journals and it saddens me to see them talk aboue people giving up on them. I feel as if I havent had time to dedicate myself to the people that mean most too me and I regret that. Ive also come across someone in my life who I thought would be someone really great. He is great company and interesting to talk too, but things have fallen out beneath me with him. I have never in my life been so hurt by someones words as much as I have been by his. I hope that things will change.....and believe me I try. If anyone has any doubts about that....ask Derek...he can tell you!

.....sometimes I dont understand it. I feel as if Ive got everything figured out and then things tilt a little and i loose my balance. I know everyone feels this way, but Im just lost. He says he loves a serious relationship, but then why are everyday words removed from sentences when hes around friends? Why do I feel so angry about it, but never say anything. know he will turn it around on me, saying that I do the same thing when I dont. So I keep my mouth shut and just look and him and smile. what else is there to do? Im tired......nothing I do for anyone is ever good enough it seems these days. It use to be, but not anymore. And I dont want to sit here and throw out this huge sob story, but if I hold it in completly then I will go crazy. I feel that this love that everyone talks about is so trivial. It really means nothing of the sort of love I picture in my mind. The love that is in my life at this moment is full of angry bitterness accompanied with some tender sweet moments. But love is so much more then that. Its the tragedy that lies beneath all of us. Its the heartbreak that everyone suffers....

Ok....so Ive been trying to find some females to pose for me. I really want to take some nude pictures but cant seen to find people willing to do it for free or to do it period. Anyway, Im really shy and so I never really ask! So if any of you out there are interested let me know! Other then that school is out. Had my last final on Tuesday and Im so glad its over. I dedicated my whole life to school this semester so I need a break! So if anyone else just finsihed as well congrats to you!

I find some comfort in knowing that I can come here to this page as a source of outlet and understanding that I wouldnt be able to find in a human. I also know that no one really reads this so I can say whatever it is I feel at this specific moment in history. It is 1:00 in the afternoon and I am sitting up here at working staring at the pink wallpaper that has somehow managed to stayed glued to the wall for this long. I found sleep somewhere in the early hours of 6:30-7:00 this morning. I can honestly say that I feel people sometimes go through a fit of insanity from time to time. Mine just happened to be last night. I know that I set double standards up all the time and I try so dearly not to, but it just happens to end up as such. I was so angry last night and alone. My heartbeat seemed to surround my whole being. we both really do need our space from time to time, but I was hoping that when I awoke from my bad dream that he would be there in my bed, but I found a cold blanket instead. It was 5:30 in the morning and I was scared. I really dont feel like going through the motions again for I did that way too much last night and all in all he believes he did absolutely nothing wrong. Maybe he didnt. Maybe we will always disagree on that, but it still doest make up for the fact that all I needed was a hug. A kiss. Comfort. And I may need it over and over again until I feel fully restored, because I feel so alone right now. I dont know what it is exactly. I feel "crazy". I feel exactly how he said I was acting last night. And its hard for me to understand how he could say things to my face without meaning them. How he could say things just to hurt me and then take them back. Does he really not believe those things? Or does he really think Im crazy? Im so pitiful and yet scared. But all of this really doesnt matter anyway.....

My results from a "What Kind of Porn Are You!"
Bondage movie! You're into BSDM (Bondage &
Discipline, Dominance & Submission) and chances
are, you're fond of whips, chains, harnesses,
and tight leather outfits. You like to mix a
little pain with a LOT of pleasure, baby!

What kind of porno would you star in?
brought to you by Quizilla

Its is so shitty outside, but I suppose I should be use to it by now. This weekend has been great. Travis, my love, came into town with Joe. Oh how I love them. We went against the masses and bought a huge bottle of Everclear. Lets just say that our weekend has been fuzzy. I love the warning label that they place right on the front of the bottle. Anyway, Im glad I got to relax after this past week. It sucked. Way too many tests. Gonna go up to Metro later on. Think I might call Jack.

You look like me
I'm sorry for you
You talk like me
I cant understand you
You think like me
You're fucking crazy
You want to be me
But that’s ok because

You remind me of me
Someway
But only the good
Cause I'm just me

Hanging by a thread for your honor
Just helps me to see inside myself
Hanging by a thread for your honor
Just helps me to see…

You act like me
Cause you're embarrassing
You talk to me
But don’t listen
You think like me
You're so damn crazy
You want to be me
But that’s ok because…

You remind me of me
Someway
But only the good
Cause I'm just me

Hanging by a thread for your honor
Just helps me to see inside myself
Hanging by a thread for your honor
Just helps me too see…

When these memories become liquid dreams just like fantasies
And like fallen leaves I guess all I need is to find my desires and set out to acquire them

You look like me
I'm sorry for you
You think like me
But that’s ok because…

Hanging by a thread for your honor
Just helps me to see inside myself
Hanging by a thread for your honor
Just helps me to see inside myself